There exists a great divide, I once thought, is between marrieds and singles.
When single, I often vacillated between thinking that there was hardly any difference at all between single women and married women and thinking that there was a world of difference between the two groups. Sometimes, I couldn’t even begin to relate to married women. Other times, I saw their lives being so much like mind – they just had a husband and probably children and I didn’t.
Then I got married. And then I believed that there was a HUGE difference between singleness and marriedness. I believed that for a while. And it’s true – the things that I was worried about and the way I structured my day were different from when I was single. When I was single, I didn’t meal plan. I didn’t check my schedule against another’s all that often. I spent my money as I wished. I didn’t have a cleaning plan. I didn’t even have a bedtime! I got married and that changed. I planned meals. I developed a cleaning schedule. My schedule was always checked against Jeff’s schedule and desires. I had a set bedtime. It seemed SOOO different.
Then I had a baby. And a weird thing happened – instead of thinking of how even more different my life is now compared to when I was single, my life is starting to seem more the same. Granted, my day-to-day life is radically different from when I was single – even more different from when I was just married, but no kids. But I don’t see those outward things like activities as much as I used to. I see the internal things more.
- When I was single, I desired to be married. I never knew if or when I would. Now? I desire more kids, but I don’t know if or when I will.
- When I was single, I wished I had more money to spend. Now? I still wish I had more money to spend.
- When I was single, I wanted to be friends with the cool kids. Now? I still want to be friends with them.
- When I was single, I had moments of such loneliness. Now? I still have moments like that at times. Being married to someone doesn’t automatically make you not lonely.
- When I was single, I wanted everyone to think that I had it all together. Now? I still want that.
- When I was single, I had moments where I felt forgotten by God. Now? I have moments where I feel forgotten by God.
Kids. Money. Friends. Loneliness. I still have those same concerns, feelings and desires – but the nuances surrounding them is just slightly different. If I had more money, I’d probably spend it differently than I would have when I was single. My loneliness looks slightly different. I still want to impress people – I now have marriage and parenting to add to the arenas in which I want to impress them.
Single Jayme and Married Jayme aren’t so different.