It’s another tale as old as time. Boy likes girl. Boy wants to pursue girl. Boy decides to ask girl on a date. Boy wonders what that means for him. Boy wonders what he should do to maximize his chances of getting a ‘Yes’.
Here’s part 2 of advice from women for men – this time on asking us women out. See part 1 for advice on how to get to know us without scaring us off. That will help you get your ‘Yes’.
Here’s what you ladies said:
What types of things should a man consider when planning a date for a woman?
- How long they have known each other? If they are meeting for the first time, as in a blind date set up by a trusted person, I’d say do a lunch or coffee date in a public place. If it’s possible meeting at group gathering would lessen 1st date tensions.
- Actually have a plan! It’s ok to have several possibilities and ask which I would prefer, but at least have thought of something rather than asking me what I think we should do.
- We like you to have a plan. It usually isn’t about what we do, but you letting us know that you put thought into our time together. Though it may seem like we appreciate you asking, “What do you want to do,” sometimes it is nice for you to plan the entire night and we just get to enjoy it with you!
- Think about what she would like, and events/activities you could both enjoy. Even though going to a sporting event (for example) might be your idea of the perfect date, she might really hate sports (different for everyone!). It’s nice to know he’s thinking about you when he plans.
- You don’t have to spend loads of money! A little creativity and thought can mean a lot more than an expensive dinner.
- Appropriate level of intimacy – It might not be a good idea to go for an intimate candlelight dinner for two on the first date. A casual ice cream date might be more appropriate and less intimidating!
- Get to know her enough to know what she likes. Find mutual interests. You both will have more fun on a date if you both will enjoy the planned event. You will both be more relaxed and apt to be more yourself. Just find a place that is casual and fun, somewhere that you can both be yourselves and have an easy time to talk. Do you both like football? Go to a game. Like to be outside? Maybe a hike. Have friends in common?
- Consider a group outing. Her comfort level, that she feels safe in whatever situation he’s planned, that the date is not conveying more to her than he intends (ie. super romantic dinner, with slow dancing afterwards, if he’s still unsure if he’s intentionally interested)
- Keep the atmosphere in line with the stage of the relationship: save the romantic setting for later on.
- Keep the dates shorter when you’re first getting to know one another. An all-day outing for the first date is just too emotionally exhausting, even if it’s going well.
- Keep it simple. I would rather go hang out at a coffee shop then have a huge event planned. Dress nicely- not too nice but show that you care about making a good impression, that a girl is important enough to take more time getting ready. Also, have a set time limit for the date. Maybe if you go out at 7 have her home before 10. That way if she really likes you then she will want another date to get to know you more. I went on a date once that didn’t end until I finally had to say that I wanted to go home. I didn’t like being in that position.
- He should consider what he knows about her. He should also consider how they are developing as a couple too. Going to a car race might for a 1st date, but maybe we enjoy that type of thing together. I want to believe guys think a lot about how to have time together.
- Something that would allow for good conversations.
- Having some good questions/discussion topics in mind beforehand can be helpful … keep the conversation going.
- Her personality. Her security. Women hate feeling insecure (I’m sure men do as well) – physically and emotionally. Don’t take me any place on a first date that’s super expensive. Coffee is fine. Applebees is fine. Offer to pick me up, but be okay if I’m not quite ready for that yet. Just meeting you there is okay.
- For introverts who have a hard time articulating goals, dreams, and convictions, it might be helpful to plan a conversation topic before a date so they can be thinking about it ahead of time. The book “101 Questions to Ask Before You Get Engaged” might be a useful resource for a guy who has trouble initiating more purposeful conversation.
What kinds of things do you look for in considering an invitation to a date?
- Whether I might be interested in getting to know him, if we aren’t already friends.
- Whether I feel safe with him, if I already know him.
- Mainly it’s about whether I want to get to know the person better; the specifics of what we will be doing are not important.
- Be specific. If you want it to be a “date,” then ask us on a date. Don’t let us think that it is a date if it is not, and also, don’t ask us to “hang out” if you are really planning on it being more of a date.
- It is nice to know what kind of a date it will be. We do spend a lot of time picking out the perfect outfit and getting dolled up for you gentlemen, so it would be nice to know if we are going to a nice dinner, or something like horseback riding. 🙂
- Do I want to get to know him more? Is he a Christian man of character?
- Have they said or done anything to peek my interest: something we have in common, have qualities that I am looking for (funny, smart etc.), can I tell if we will have fun together. If so, I am willing to go out and see if we are a ‘match’ and can take things further.
- Is he truly interested in knowing who I am? Will we have things to talk about and possibly have a good time?
- Adaptability (I don’t actually believe in typical “dating” so would look for someone who was willing to work with that), and that the man makes it as comfortable as possible to accept or decline. Do I (or somebody I trust) know him well enough to make me feel safe? Maybe this is too obvious, but it becomes more of an issue if you frequently meet strangers.
- One part is if I find them attractive, it’s not a huge part of the decision but if the person isn’t someone I would want to spend time with then why waste his time? The main thing is seeing their personality, I want to get to know him. Especially if I’m interested then I want to know if we get along. Also, probably the biggest, is does that person have similar beliefs as me? It’s okay if I don’t completely know their heart or beliefs on a first date but I would want to have an idea of if the are a believer and then ask about it on that date. Hygiene….manners….respect.
- Is he male, single and doesn’t smell bad? I will say yes! (I say yes to most guys these days.) I used to be a lot pickier but have chilled out a lot over the years.
- Where is he spiritually? Where is he emotionally? Where is he financially? If have some clue to these 3 ideas it helps to influence my decision. I also assess how comfortable I feel around the guy. There isn’t a lot of requirements for me to say yes. I find that if a man shows bravery I am inclined to say yes. If I am not interested in a relationship, I will make that very clear on that first date as to not expect more from me beyond that point. However, if on the date, I find out: “This guy is worth getting to know more deeply” then I am also inclined to go out with him until the relationship doesn’t work any more.
- Can I stand talking to you for a decent amount of time? If we’ve spent 5 minutes talking, do I want nothing more than to be far, far, far away from you? If so, I probably won’t accept.
- I do consider other things: am I free that night? Is there someone else that I’ve pinned my hopes on?
- I have an attaction to a broad range of men. Sweet, caring, and compassionate are the personality traits I am looking for. I have seen this men that are burly, take life by the horns and move, and men that are more home-bodies that make decisions more quietly. I don’t want to limit my self to: Does he play music or drive a truck? There is no right or wrong way to be a man. Just be you. Remember God created both Jacob and Esau. “Guys, go FIND a girl … we are so grateful when you take the initiative!
- Be thoughtful of the other women in your life – I was very impressed when I saw how my boyfriend treated his sister.
- You staying pure and guarding what you look at (magazines, tv, internet) makes us feel incredibly cherished.
What are reasons you may have for saying no to a date?
- In the past my reasons were mostly limited to fear. Fear that it wouldn’t work out and be all awkward and probably some fear that it WOULD work out and then everything in my life would be different. I haven’t been asked on a date in so long at this point that I can’t think of any good reason to say no.
- I’m simply not interested in the guy. Or that I’m already exploring a relationship. Not a christian. I simply don’t date non-christians. I always have to know this about a potential date if somebody is setting us up. However, I do understand that sometimes one might not know this beforehand.
- I know that I don’t want to get to know the person beyond the acquaintances/casual friends stage and I don’t want to lead him on if I already know that I am not interested in a dating relationship with a guy, I probably won’t go on a “date” with him.
- Not wanting to lead him on if I don’t think there’s a chance of it going anywhere (but err on the side of giving him a chance)
- If I’ve personally witnessed things that make me question his faith, character, or if he is generally unloving to others… then I am not interested.
- If I don’t see any potential. If they have said things that I know I am against/not have the morals I esteem highly. If the time I have spent with the thus far has been boring or annoying.
- I don’t think we are on the same page spiritually (Not that you can’t work together–I am talking about him even having the Book to have a spiritual page. I get asked out a lot by non-Christians.)
- He is shorter than me (Sorry, this sounds really shallow, I know, but I am tall and it really bugs me.)
- If the man’s character was in question, if I didn’t know him well enough, if the date was too one-on-one for an initial date. Maybe attending a group activity, specifically as the man’s particular friend would put me more at ease. If there any obvious, legitimate reasons why I don’t think this could lead to marriage, and I don’t want to lead him on. If I don’t have the time/money. If I don’t feel peace in my heart about it — and that’s different than simply stepping outside my comfort zone. I’m not interested- if it’s a person that I would never consider dating in the first place then I won’t agree to a date. Another is if their belief system is very different from mine, I want someone who values the same things I do. Hygiene…..manners…..respect.
- If he makes me uncomfortable.
- If he has been recently dating my best friend.
- (Sorry to say this because it makes me sound shallow, but…) If you are a very different level of fitness to me.
- If you have a disability I am not familiar with.
- If I catch major “red flags” like He’s been divorced, 2 or more times, Age difference is more than 10 years (while I’ll still consider guys beyond that range, but it is a case-by-case basis), Who he presents himself as, and whom he says he is are two different types of men.
- Not interested in the guy, or if I already know we wouldn’t be compatible for certain reasons.
- I might be in the beginning of a relationship with someone else. While he and I might not have declared ourselves to be exclusive, I might be hoping that we will and don’t want to unnecessarily encourage you.
- I might just be super busy/stressed at the moment. If you’ve asked me while I’m preparing to take my nursing boards, probably not the best moment in my life. If that’s the case though and I’m interested, I’ll probably ask you if I can say yes, but schedule it for a couple of weeks out.
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