A website I was on was having a discussion about single women who come across as “too independent” and whether 1) there is such a thing or 2) if that it was a turn off to men. The position of the women on the blog (who are mostly 25 and older) is that they have to be independent. They don’t have a husband who financially provides for them, so in the meantime (til Prince Charming comes), they HAVE to get jobs. They HAVE to learn to pay their bills. They HAVE to plan for retirement. They HAVE to find ways to spend their free time. Some women fear that in doing those things, men would look at them and think they’re “too independent” and thus, wouldn’t make good wives or even girlfriends.
Is that true? A 25 year old woman who has a job is “too independent”? A woman who knows how to pay her bills is “not wife material”? Hardly. As someone who was 30 when I got married, I had learned to do all kinds of things and it wasn’t an issue for Jeff. Or if it was, he got over it enough to ask me out and to ask me to marry him. In fact, as his wife, I’m guessing he’s glad that I know how to pay bills on time. How to schedule the car for an oil change. And that I have a 401(k) that someday we’ll enjoy. He married for a wife, not a child.
But I do think it’s possible for a woman to be “too independent”. Just like men can detect when a woman is too needy or desperate, they can also detect when a woman is too independent. They watch out for both extremes. Chances are that women who are intentionally too independent are giving off vibes that indicate that. But there might be things that women do that give out the sense of “too independent” without meaning to. And while different men would have different ideas on what too independent would look like, here is what some men have told me. I’ve thrown some of my own ideas into the mix.
Huge & rigid goals. Too independent I think comes across when women cast goals for their life as if they absolutely, unequivocally must happen, despite whatever else God has for them. Including a husband who has different goals and dreams. A woman who says “I will be CEO by the time I’m 40, no matter what it takes” would be seen as too independent. Even “I want to make sure I teach first grade for 15 years” is a woman that would come across as too independent. Rigid in her goals. Someone who has made a life plan that far in the future that doesn’t include the wants or desires of someone else – particularly a husband. While men probably don’t want someone who has no ideas or vision or goals in their life, they’d like to know that their wife is available to join them in their dreams.
Large income. For some men, this can be a show-stopper. For others, it might not even be a concern on their radar. But there’s some fear that women who make a large income wouldn’t be interested in them. Particularly if you made more than them. It can be intimidating. While this might be the case, I don’t think you should decline a pay raise or not go after a career just because it brings in a huge chunk of coin. It just means that men could be intimidated by this and you shouldn’t flaunt your income. Which no one likes when people do that anyway. That’s just being rude.
Intimidating jobs. Women who are in a position of power and leadership for good parts of the day could also be seen as too independent. If a woman commands an office of 30 for 40+ hours a week, how well can she turn that off when she comes home? No partner in any relationship can dominate the other and always have command. Good relationships don’t work that way.
Part 2 coming to tomorrow….or at least, later….