Advice For Men On Getting Serious

It’s still another tale as old as time.  Boy likes girl.  Boy pursues girl.  Boy proposes to girl. Girl says yet.  Boy wonders ‘Now what?’

Here’s the 5th and final part of advice from women for men – this time on getting engaged.  See part 1 for advice on how to get to know us without scaring us off, part 2 for advice on asking us out, part 3 for what we find important in relationships, and part 4 on learning from past relationships.

Here’s what you ladies said:

If seriously dating or engaged, what did you expect to change in your relationship as you transition to the next stage?

• Making adjustments in time for each other. I didn’t think it was soo important but it is!
• If we get engaged, we can talk more specifically about the next steps in our future – where we would live, what our wedding would be like, how to spend our money, etc.
• Engagement would give me even more security in our relationship.  His promise to marry me and love me forever would mean the world to me.
• I would expect that the “finding out more about the other person” stage of conversation and activities would tone down a little, as you’ve basically decided that the person and yourself are compatible, and suitably matched.
• I guess I’d expect more specific planning and logistics to be taking place (thinking about the future / wedding / where to live etc.) and also that each person would be able to relax with the other, and just be themselves, completely.
• More talking!
• I was semi-engaged once because I thought engagement would fix our problems and give me more peace about the relationship.  I was wrong.
• I guess I would hope for peace and security, knowing I was with someone who wouldn’t leave me.
• I expect that I have trusted this guy to the point of becoming my best friend as I should be his.  I hope that he is the one I talk to first about life-changing decisions as he should with me.
• I would expect that I have enough respect for him to follow his lead as our family starts to develop.
• I would expect we enough about each other’s dirty laundry (emotionally speaking) that we can understand each other.  I also expect that the connection between us is strong enough for us to live together for a life time.
• We went ‘facebook official’.
• We started calling each other boyfriend/girlfriend.
• We expressed that we were in a relationship to see if it would be wise and God-honoring for us to get married.
• Not much from dating->engaged other than we started marriage counseling and planned a wedding.  We did talk about more personal things – WHEN will we plan to have children, how will we avoid having children right away, what should our budget look like, what will daily life look like, how often do you think you’ll want to be intimate.  Some of that we kind of, sort of, maybe talked about before engagement, but it was really general – yes, we’d like children someday, but not a honeymoon baby, it’s important to tithe and we like life insurance and vacations, we both work 9-to-5 jobs and don’t like to be out every night of the week.  But when you get engaged, you can start making real decisions.

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Advice For Men on Learning from the Past

It’s yet another tale as old as time.  Boy likes girl.  Boy wants to pursue girl.  Boy doesn’t know what girl has learned from past relationships.  What she’s appreciated.  What she hasn’t.  Boy doesn’t want to be the same as past boys in girl’s life, but if there are things she likes, boy wants to know that.

Here’s part 4 of advice from women for men – this time on learning from past relationships.  See part 1 for advice on how to get to know us without scaring us off, part 2 for advice on asking us out and part 3 for what we find important in relationships.

Here’s what you ladies said:

Once in a relationship, what have men you have dated done well in the past?

• That my boyfriend carves out time to be with me. Seeking to fulfill little needs.
• Wanting to know the progress on my work projects or something that I’ve mentioned that needs to get done.
• His own investment in his self-improvement and health/nutritional needs. I found it so attractive that he’d jog almost every morning just to keep fit!
• Seeking my opinion on both little and important matters. Such as, “Do you like my beard? Should grow it or shave it?” I told him, “Shave all of it off as you’ve been doing but keep the side burns because I find that attractive, haha!”
• Brought up serious issues (career, family, money) gradually and being willing to discuss those issues.
• My boyfriend (of almost a year and a half) is really great about telling me that he loves me every day.  Every day.  I don’t wonder if he still cares, because even if we have a disagreement or something, he is quick to reassure me that he loves me.  He does lots of little things to show his love – stops and picks up flowers for me on the way over to my house, plays me a song on his iPod that made him think of me, buys me a little gift that he knows I will like, etc.
• My love language is acts of service.  So when he offers to take my car in for an oil change I feel so loved! Or when he buys me light bulbs because my kitchen light has been burned out for a week, I feel cared for. Super simple, but it means a lot to me. And it’s cliche, but I love flowers! Especially, unexpected flowers.  It’s the middle of the week, random flowers for no reason other than to show that he cares that are awesome.
• Be honest about the relationship, even if it is bad news.
• Respected my faith.
• Been themselves and let me see a piece of their life.
• Been very considerate, been willing to volunteer information about themselves and their lives (at the right time) without demanding the same, been open about their position in life and their hopes for the relationship.
• Invited me into his world: allowed me to see him in professional and casual contexts.
• Sacrificially invested time out of a very busy schedule.
• Prayed over our relationship.
• Invited counsel from his parents.
• Initiated letter writing as a supplement to face-to-face time.
• Knowing limits and boundaries.
• Known what I would enjoy and politely not asking or declining invitations that would make either of us uncomfortable.
• Been a gentleman and treated me like a lady.
• Made decisions instead of leaving it up to me all the time.
• NOT lead me on when he realized he didn’t feel the same way I did.
• Welcomed me into his friendship group.
• Been up-front about actually dating instead of “just seeing where this goes”.
• Flowers always win points!  Even though I am not a flower person, I still love to get them.  A text message once sometime during the day.
• When he and I are on a date, I am the only girl that has his attention.
• Been intentional … not making me wonder what he was thinking or what his plans were.
• Been thoughtful … of me especially, but also of the friends and family members already in his life, and of my family and friends.
• Send special cards just because.
• Bringing up areas that need to be discussed … taking leadership in conversations, especially in areas of kids, roles in marriage, etc.  That can be awkward for us to bring up.
• Keep calling them dates – it’s fun that way!  When you’ve been dating for 6 months and you still get asked “Will you go on a date with me on Friday”, that’s fun…even if it’s the same thing you do every week!
• Appreciate any gestures that I make, even if they don’t turn out the way I wanted them to.

Once in a relationship, what have men you have dated done that you have not appreciated?

• Rushing towards plans for marriage when I was still getting used to the idea of being in a relationship.
• Seeing me as a “wife material” and not wanting to develop the friendship aspect first. It was sooo disappointing! I want a friend in my future husband too!
• Not been communicative – calling because they feel obligated to, but not actually having anything to say.
• Not having a plan for where our relationship was going.
• One time, we were on a road trip, and he wouldn’t let me help give directions.  Seems like men don’t like being told which way to turn…maybe that’s not exclusive to dating relationships!
• Be late.  I feel uncared for when my time is not valued and I’m left waiting for him.
• Calling Saturday night at 7 and expecting to have a date–really?  After not calling me all week and not making any effort to grow or move forward in the relationship or have any sort of “defining” of the relationship?
• Not introducing me to any friends or areas of importance in their life–makes me feel like I’m just something to do in their leftover time.
• Continued complimenting me, and being particular in their flattering comments, even after stating that they saw the relationship as “just friends” and not going any further.
• Trying to hold on too tight to a relationship, once they had ended it.
• Asked me what I like to cook. I felt like I was being interviewed for a job, though I’m sure that wasn’t the intent. Probably it came across this way because he had trouble asking get-to-know-you questions about more serious topics.
• The one person I dated acted overly protective and treated me like a fragile flower. This was hurtful to me because I’ve always been independent. He didn’t respect me as a person in that aspect. He didn’t treat me as an inferior but he didn’t respect me at the same time. Talk down to or about me.
• Pressured me for sex.  UGH.  This is my big issue because it happens so often and I HATE HATE HATE it.
• Refused to admit we are dating.
• Purchased gifts for me that were just not my thing at all (I don’t like gifts).
• Tricked me into taking a phone call with his mother before meeting her.
• Got me drunk without me realizing how much I was drinking.
• Failed to be appropriate in public (e.g. public kissing, oversharing, etc)
• Blame game comes to mind.  Blaming others for your own misfortune. Blaming the girl for being a temptress, blaming the economy for bad finances, blaming the ex for a broken relationship . . . Is the guy ready to own up to his own responsibilty?  We all have said and done things with regrets, the question is: Have you learned from them? If so, what to prevent it from happening again?
• Don’t laugh at me! Don’t check out other girls.  Ever. Don’t let me know that I’m not really your “type”, but you’re dating me anyway.  Would you like to add to my insecurities?!

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Advice For Men On The Important Stuff In Relationships

It’s yet another tale as old as time.  Boy likes girl.  Boy wants to pursue girl.  Boy doesn’t really know what the important stuff is, to that girl anyway.  Boy wonders what he should focus on in this new relationship.

Here’s part 3 of advice from women for men – this time on what we find important in relationships.  See part 1 for advice on how to get to know us without scaring us off and part 2 for advice on asking us out.

Here’s what you ladies said:

In your relationships, past or present, what is the most important thing to you?

• Spending time together. Seeking to get to know each other.
• Trustworthiness
• COMMUNICATION. Have you heard that one before? It’s crazy how just about every issue and problem that has come up in my current relationship could have been avoided with better communication.
• He has to love Jesus.  If he doesn’t love Jesus, or church is just something that he does because he is “supposed” to go, there are going to be some major problems down the road.
• That he loves God and encourages me to do the same. That the person listens. That they care about people in general, including me.
• Does he love the Lord? Does he make his family a priority? Are we intersted in some of the same things? Are we going in the same direction? Does he treat others with kindness and respect?
• Honesty, and the ability to talk things through with openness…even if it’s hard.
• Someone who is willing to be real! By which I mean genuinely, openly himself without trying too hard to impress me. Being willing to open up (at an appropriate level, of course).  Being willing to talk about things that matter to him. Being real. I want someone who is comfortable enough around me to be themselves. Also, someone who is willing to ask me tough questions and willing to talk about harder subjects and not act like everything is okay.
• Respect.  Respect of my mind, my family and my body.
• Our ability to TALK to each other.  That overrules everything else.  If we have conversational chemistry, the rest will flow.
• Spiritual ground.  Laughter.  Respect.
• Communicate well.  Even if we disagree on some pretty big stuff, if we can talk about it, there’s a huge sense of harmony in the relationship.  I DON’T DO DRAMA!
• Respect.  Knowing that you aren’t my all-in-all – you don’t get my entire life.  I will do things without you.  I won’t always give you input on the decisions that I need to make.  Especially in the early days.

While in the early stages of a relationship (i.e. dating, but not dating for long), what can a man do to discourage you?

• To give me the “I’m too busy to call you/to return your calls” signal.
• Inconsistent display of interest. On and off silent treatment. It makes the lady emotionally insecure. She is not sure whether the guy is interested in her or not and she makes all kinds of assumptions about where the relationship is going or not going.
• Demonstrate a lack of commitment to the church/his faith.
• Press for physical involvement.
• I would be discouraged if my boyfriend were to say something negative about me in front of my friends.
• Ignore me.
• Tell me too much about his past too soon.
• Be rude to people (waitress, friends, people in other cars).
• Show me he doesn’t have high moral standards.
• Not listen when I express my opinion (even if he doesn’t feel the same way, he still should be respectful enough to listen).
• Disrespect/make fun of others around us (like out at a restaurant, or bringing up people in his life)
• Talking a good game, but actions obviously not matching those words.
• Treating me as part of the “master plan” for his life (like the wife box on his to-do list would be checked off now with me).  It becomes quite impersonal and goal-oriented, and doesn’t really regard anyone’s feelings.
• Assuming that he can read my mind and knows my opinions after just a couple dates–so he starts making choices for me, like what to eat, things “we” like to do.
• Becoming possessive, displaying major insecurities, or conversely, giving little direction to his intent with the relationship.
• Take the time to see me, but not use that time wisely to actually get to know me and allow me to get to know him.
• If they are getting ahead of themselves and hinting about marriage. Though I believe that you shouldn’t date just to date, bringing up marriage too early can be very bad- I need time to get to know someone.
• Back out of things….like he found something better to do.
• Pressure me for sex – Propose too soon – Make me feel like a child
• Explain clearly his life goals that are incompatible with who I am.
• Tell me he isn’t attracted to me.
• Tell me he’s still in love with someone else and has realized he isn’t over her yet.
• Date other people too.
• If I notice there are addictions or some deep hurt that hasn’t been dealt with in a way that would bring healing to that person.
• If I see rage (not anger) is something that could be an issue.  At this point in the relationship, I am trying to find out if there is anything I don’t want to support in this man if we entered into a more serious relationship.
• Not responding to emails/calls … basically, not investing time to talk.
• Being rude.
• Make fun of me!  Seriously, if you laugh AT me (which is different than laughing WITH me) or mock me in anyway, I will back off!

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Advice For Men On Asking For A Date

It’s another tale as old as time.  Boy likes girl.  Boy wants to pursue girl.  Boy decides to ask girl on a date.  Boy wonders what that means for him.  Boy wonders what he should do to maximize his chances of getting a ‘Yes’.

Here’s part 2 of advice from women for men – this time on asking us women out.  See part 1 for advice on how to get to know us without scaring us off.  That will help you get your ‘Yes’.

Here’s what you ladies said:

What types of things should a man consider when planning a date for a woman?

• How long they have known each other? If they are meeting for the first time, as in a blind date set up by a trusted person, I’d say do a lunch or coffee date in a public place. If it’s possible meeting at group gathering would lessen 1st date tensions.
• Actually have a plan! It’s ok to have several possibilities and ask which I would prefer, but at least have thought of something rather than asking me what I think we should do.
• We like you to have a plan. It usually isn’t about what we do, but you letting us know that you put thought into our time together.  Though it may seem like we appreciate you asking, “What do you want to do,” sometimes it is nice for you to plan the entire night and we just get to enjoy it with you!
• Think about what she would like, and events/activities you could both enjoy. Even though going to a sporting event (for example) might be your idea of the perfect date, she might really hate sports (different for everyone!). It’s nice to know he’s thinking about you when he plans.
• You don’t have to spend loads of money!  A little creativity and thought can mean a lot more than an expensive dinner.
• Appropriate level of intimacy – It might not be a good idea to go for an intimate candlelight dinner for two on the first date. A casual ice cream date might be more appropriate and less intimidating!
• Get to know her enough to know what she likes. Find mutual interests. You both will have more fun on a date if you both will enjoy the planned event. You will both be more relaxed and apt to be more yourself. Just find a place that is casual and fun, somewhere that you can both be yourselves and have an easy time to talk.  Do you both like football? Go to a game.  Like to be outside?  Maybe a hike.  Have friends in common?
• Consider a group outing.  Her comfort level, that she feels safe in whatever situation he’s planned, that the date is not conveying more to her than he intends (ie. super romantic dinner, with slow dancing afterwards, if he’s still unsure if he’s intentionally interested)
• Keep the atmosphere in line with the stage of the relationship: save the romantic setting for later on.
• Keep the dates shorter when you’re first getting to know one another. An all-day outing for the first date is just too emotionally exhausting, even if it’s going well.
• Keep it simple. I would rather go hang out at a coffee shop then have a huge event planned. Dress nicely- not too nice but show that you care about making a good impression, that a girl is important enough to take more time getting ready. Also, have a set time limit for the date. Maybe if you go out at 7 have her home before 10. That way if she really likes you then she will want another date to get to know you more. I went on a date once that didn’t end until I finally had to say that I wanted to go home. I didn’t like being in that position.
• He should consider what he knows about her. He should also consider how they are developing as a couple too.  Going to a car race might for a 1st date, but maybe we enjoy that type of thing together.  I want to believe guys think a lot about how to have time together.
• Something that would allow for good conversations.
• Having some good questions/discussion topics in mind beforehand can be helpful … keep the conversation going.
• Her personality. Her security.  Women hate feeling insecure (I’m sure men do as well) – physically and emotionally. Don’t take me any place on a first date that’s super expensive.  Coffee is fine.  Applebees is fine. Offer to pick me up, but be okay if I’m not quite ready for that yet.  Just meeting you there is okay.
• For introverts who have a hard time articulating goals, dreams, and convictions, it might be helpful to plan a conversation topic before a date so they can be thinking about it ahead of time. The book “101 Questions to Ask Before You Get Engaged” might be a useful resource for a guy who has trouble initiating more purposeful conversation.

What kinds of things do you look for in considering an invitation to a date?

• Whether I might be interested in getting to know him, if we aren’t already friends.
• Whether I feel safe with him, if I already know him.
• Mainly it’s about whether I want to get to know the person better; the specifics of what we will be doing are not important.
• Be specific.  If you want it to be a “date,” then ask us on a date.  Don’t let us think that it is a date if it is not, and also, don’t ask us to “hang out” if you are really planning on it being more of a date.
• It is nice to know what kind of a date it will be.  We do spend a lot of time picking out the perfect outfit and getting dolled up for you gentlemen, so it would be nice to know if we are going to a nice dinner, or something like horseback riding. 
• Do I want to get to know him more? Is he a Christian man of character?
• Have they said or done anything to peek my interest: something we have in common, have qualities that I am looking for (funny, smart etc.), can I tell if we will have fun together. If so, I am willing to go out and see if we are a ‘match’ and can take things further.
• Is he truly interested in knowing who I am? Will we have things to talk about and possibly have a good time?
• Adaptability (I don’t actually believe in typical “dating” so would look for someone who was willing to work with that), and that the man makes it as comfortable as possible to accept or decline. Do I (or somebody I trust) know him well enough to make me feel safe? Maybe this is too obvious, but it becomes more of an issue if you frequently meet strangers.
• One part is if I find them attractive, it’s not a huge part of the decision but if the person isn’t someone I would want to spend time with then why waste his time? The main thing is seeing their personality, I want to get to know him. Especially if I’m interested then I want to know if we get along. Also, probably the biggest, is does that person have similar beliefs as me? It’s okay if I don’t completely know their heart or beliefs on a first date but I would want to have an idea of if the are a believer and then ask about it on that date. Hygiene….manners….respect.
• Is he male, single and doesn’t smell bad?  I will say yes!  (I say yes to most guys these days.)  I used to be a lot pickier but have chilled out a lot over the years.
• Where is he spiritually? Where is he emotionally?  Where is he financially?  If have some clue to these 3 ideas it helps to influence my decision.  I also assess how comfortable I feel around the guy.  There isn’t a lot of requirements for me to say yes.  I find that if a man shows bravery I am inclined to say yes.  If I am not interested in a relationship, I will make that very clear on that first date as to not expect more from me beyond that point.  However, if on the date, I find out: “This guy is worth getting to know more deeply” then I am also inclined to go out with him until the relationship doesn’t work any more.
• Can I stand talking to you for a decent amount of time? If we’ve spent 5 minutes talking, do I want nothing more than to be far, far, far away from you?  If so, I probably won’t accept.
• I do consider other things: am I free that night?  Is there someone else that I’ve pinned my hopes on?
• I have an attaction to a broad range of men.  Sweet, caring, and compassionate are the personality traits I am looking for.  I have seen this men that are burly, take life by the horns and move, and men that are more home-bodies that make decisions more quietly.  I don’t want to limit my self to: Does he play music or drive a truck?  There is no right or wrong way to be a man.  Just be you.  Remember God created both Jacob and Esau. “Guys, go FIND a girl … we are so grateful when you take the initiative!
• Be thoughtful of the other women in your life – I was very impressed when I saw how my boyfriend treated his sister.
• You staying pure and guarding what you look at (magazines, tv, internet) makes us feel incredibly cherished.

What are reasons you may have for saying no to a date?

• In the past my reasons were mostly limited to fear. Fear that it wouldn’t work out and be all awkward and probably some fear that it WOULD work out and then everything in my life would be different. I haven’t been asked on a date in so long at this point that I can’t think of any good reason to say no.
• I’m simply not interested in the guy. Or that I’m already exploring a relationship. Not a christian. I simply don’t date non-christians. I always have to know this about a potential date if somebody is setting us up. However, I do understand that sometimes one might not know this beforehand.
• I know that I don’t want to get to know the person beyond the acquaintances/casual friends stage and I don’t want to lead him on if I already know that I am not interested in a dating relationship with a guy, I probably won’t go on a “date” with him.
• Not wanting to lead him on if I don’t think there’s a chance of it going anywhere (but err on the side of giving him a chance)
• If I’ve personally witnessed things that make me question his faith, character, or if he is generally unloving to others… then I am not interested.
• If I don’t see any potential. If they have said things that I know I am against/not have the morals I esteem highly. If the time I have spent with the thus far has been boring or annoying.
• I don’t think we are on the same page spiritually (Not that you can’t work together–I am talking about him even having the Book to have a spiritual page.  I get asked out a lot by non-Christians.)
• He is shorter than me (Sorry, this sounds really shallow, I know, but I am tall and it really bugs me.)
• If the man’s character was in question, if I didn’t know him well enough, if the date was too one-on-one for an initial date. Maybe attending a group activity, specifically as the man’s particular friend would put me more at ease. If there any obvious, legitimate reasons why I don’t think this could lead to marriage, and I don’t want to lead him on. If I don’t have the time/money. If I don’t feel peace in my heart about it — and that’s different than simply stepping outside my comfort zone. I’m not interested- if it’s a person that I would never consider dating in the first place then I won’t agree to a date. Another is if their belief system is very different from mine, I want someone who values the same things I do. Hygiene…..manners…..respect.
• If he makes me uncomfortable.
• If he has been recently dating my best friend.
• (Sorry to say this because it makes me sound shallow, but…) If you are a very different level of fitness to me.
• If you have a disability I am not familiar with.
• If I catch major “red flags” like He’s been divorced, 2 or more times, Age difference is more than 10 years (while I’ll still consider guys beyond that range, but it is a case-by-case basis), Who he presents himself as, and whom he says he is are two different types of men.
• Not interested in the guy, or if I already know we wouldn’t be compatible for certain reasons.
• I might be in the beginning of a relationship with someone else.  While he and I might not have declared ourselves to be exclusive, I might be hoping that we will and don’t want to unnecessarily encourage you.
• I might just be super busy/stressed at the moment.  If you’ve asked me while I’m preparing to take my nursing boards, probably not the best moment in my life.  If that’s the case though and I’m interested, I’ll probably ask you if I can say yes, but schedule it for a couple of weeks out.

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Advice for Men On Communicating Interest

It’s a tale as old as time.  Boy likes girl.  Boy wants to pursue girl.  Boy scares girl off.  Or maybe instead of scaring her off, boy doesn’t know what to do to pursue girl, so boy backs off.  It doesn’t have to be this way.

So, we asked women for advice on relationships.  Advice mostly to help men out.  To help them not scare us off.  To give them an idea of how to approach this thing we call relationships.  Today, I’m starting to share those tips and hints and pieces of advice with you.  This is part 1.  Share them with the men in your life – be those brothers or friends, single or married.  This advice isn’t helpful if it doesn’t get to the people who can use it!

Without further ado, here’s what you ladies said:

“What are some ways a guy convey that he is interested in getting to know you without sending you running towards the hills to escape him?”

• Honestly, I just want them to come talk to me. I don’t have time nor desire to play a bunch of games. I don’t think there is too much that’s going to make me run for the hills at this point in my life!
• Say hello when we meet. Be friendly. Ask general questions such as “How are you?” “What have you been up to lately” without sounding intrusive. And if I respond positively and tell him what I’ve been up to, it would be nice for him to follow up on that the next time he sees me. This shows that he is interested in 1) Me  and 2) In caring about things that are important to me.
• Before we even started dating, my boyfriend would send me little text messages – things like, “Have a nice day,” or, “I hope work is going well for you today.” He started to slip in more and more compliments when he realized that he liked me.  I would get messages like, “I really like your voice,” or, my favorite one was, “Happy Sunday. You’re nice and you have pretty hair and I hope you have a great day!”
• Seek me out in a crowd.  Ask me questions!  Invite me personally to group events.
• Make an effort to talk to me. If I respond by spending time with you, then you know I am interested in getting to know you too. Ask about interests, job, life, etc. Just like you would make friends with anybody. If a girl is going to spend a great deal of time with you instead of anything else she could do, she is probably open to the idea of getting to know you. When you have spent sometime with her, then just ask her to do something. But have a plan if she says yes!!! If she says No, then you’ve made a friend, no loss. Don’t feel bad that she doesn’t like you. It isn’t your fault that she didn’t think you were compatible. Be yourself, and don’t stress about it. Girls are drawn to guys who are calm and confident in themselves (not cocky!)
• He can look me in the eye, ask questions about myself and my family,  He will speak of interests he has in life, activities he does; perhaps how these relate to anything I do.
• One way which I would personally find very safe, is for the guy to allow me to get to know a little more about HIM first. In shared social interactions, in the context of family, at church…whatever the method, if he had laid a basis of pleasant acquaintanceship, I’d be more likely to listen if he asked for an opportunity to get to know me better. For me, a simple “I’ve really enjoyed our interacations over the last X weeks, and would love to get to know you better…is that something you’d be open to?” would be great. Talking to me in a social setting, joining conversations I am part of, showing up to events he knows I will attend, getting to know my family casually, as friends. Showing genuine, friendly interest in my life, and who I am, regardless of relationship potential. I think this attitude can come across without words: It’s a what-I-can give vibe, rather than what-I-can-get.
• Maybe a nice Facebook message…or e-mail.   Something that I can take my time responding to.   But keep it casual – don’t fawn all over a girl or get gushy and mushy….that is not ok when you are just starting to try to get to know one another.
• Text/email me every 1-2 days, NOT every 1-2 hours.
• Ask me out for coffee, NOT a formal dinner date.
• Do not give me gifts unless it is my birthday or we are formally dating.
• A nice, non-treating way for a guy to show his interest is to continue to talk to me.  Each conversation I let down my guard a little more.  After some interactions, he can keep the next step in a cautious manner by saying something like: “Would you like to hang out some time?”  This seems to be a soft entry, but if I am scared (which is typically why I head for the hills, then I need someone that will be using caution along the way.)
• Go out of his way to talk or spend time with me.
• Be thoughtful and polite – if you’re not sure if she wants your company, ask.  (Example: “Is it ok if I walk over with you?”)
• Talk to me!  But don’t talk to me to the point that you exclude everyone else.  And don’t give the stink eye to other people that talk to me.
• Don’t talk to me about uber personal things that you don’t have the right to know yet.  I won’t talk to you about my biggest fears or if I want to be a SAHM or if I think I’ll have problems getting pregnant or what I make financially for quite a while!”

What are some ways a guy convey that he is interested in getting to know you without sending you to pick out your china pattern for your upcoming nuptials?

• Again, just start a conversation. I’m not going to go all crazy. I desire to get married, and I think about it a lot, I’m not going to lie about that. But I’m not some obsessed woman who only thinks about that. I have lots of family and friends and things that occupy my time besides wondering who I’m going to marry.
• Don’t talk about anything too serious when first getting to know someone.
• Let’s face it though, when we females like a guy, any little thing that he does can send us into the “china pattern” frenzy!
• Ask me out for a coffee date -I don’t know……I’ve been guilty of trying on last names before even talking to a guy, so sometimes I think this responsibility falls on me and isn’t necessarily dependent on what he’s doing.
• Sometimes there isn’t anything a guy can do to keep a girl’s imagination from running away and getting ahead of the story… I think that is how girls function. They plan, and if they like you, you start becoming part of that plan. Being honest about what you are feeling. If you want to get to know her, get to know her. If you want to date her, then ask her some place. If you have been on a few dates, then think about what you want, and let her know. If that doesn’t line up with what she wants, then talk about it & see if you can find a solution. Reality and truth can help a girl keep her head out of the clouds. Just be honest, don’t get too pushy, but if a serious relationship or family or stuff is important, then say so  (You just don’t have to say, “And YOU’RE the girl that fits all into those plans” right away. ) Oh dear… Though I would call myself level headed and quite slow to get emotionally involved….I’m a girl after all.
• Be straightforward! Communicate his intentions and level of confidence in the future of the relationship with words. Again, invest in getting to know me as a friend and person first, even in the context of dating. I honestly don’t know an answer to that. The last guy who was interested in me made me feel like I had to pick out china patterns.
• Just be my friend. If you’re interested in me don’t let that fact come out too soon- stick to friend behaviors until we become friends. If it gets serious too fast, then I will back out.
• HA HA…..when I first meet a guy…..he has a long way to go before getting me even thinking like that!
• Keep it casual.  Go a few days without contacting me.  Even though I HATE the silence, it’s a good way for me to realize I’m getting too invested (especially if I don’t know you yet).
• This scenario has more to do with me as a woman, than him as a guy.  Keep things clear helps.  Not moving too fast in the physical department will help too. The more I want to be physically itimate, the faster I will see wedding bells.
• Keep conversations general.  Don’t mention the two of you as a couple unless you are.
• This one is hard.  I’m a woman!  I’m interested in romance.  The fact is that you can’t control where I send my mind, but you can help.  Don’t communicate more of a committment than is appropriate.  Don’t mention dates that are super far in the future to lead me to believe that we’ll be dating/engaged/married by then.

Jayme’s Summary:

Those early days of a relationship – even before there is an official relationship – can be tricky.  And, unfortunately, fragile.  Come on too strong and women will run.  If you don’t show enough interest, we’ll try to emotionally “move on”.  It’s a balance.  And for each woman, there’s a different level of interest that will scare us.  And flatter us, too.  But in general, these comments reveal to me:

• Women like it when men talk to us!  But a little goes a long way.  Don’t get too personal too fast.  Don’t get too monopolozing of our time and attention too quickly – you haven’t earned that yet.
• Please also recognize that it’s in our nature to want to dream.  We want to be romanced.  We want to envision what our future holds, so please don’t lead us on.  But also know that there’s going to be a certain amount of us picturing the possible future.  You can help women out by not giving us more of a commitment than we have.  Don’t be rude or mean…just don’t “wine us and dine us” until that’s the right time.

Any other advice for men on this topic?

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