Book: What Did You Expect?

I just finished a book by Paul David Tripp not too long ago – “What Did You Expect? Redeeming the Realities of Marriage”. An excellent book! It’s a book on marriage (clearly) not full of practical tips, but on the philosophy of marriage and why it can be so difficult. It’s on why what you (when you’re just dating) think marriage will be like isn’t what marriage is really like.

From the book:

It happens to everyone. It is the unavoidable reality of marriage. Somehow, someway, every marriage becomes a struggle. Life after the honeymoon is radically different from the honeymoon that preceded it. The person you loved to play with, you are now living and working with. The person who was your escape from responsibility has become your most significant responsibility. Spending time together is radically different than living together. Reasons for attraction now becomes sources of irritation.

…

Somewhere along the way you realize that you, too, are a sinner, married to a sinner, and you are together living in a broken world. Sometimes this reality just makes mundane little moments more difficult than they should be, and sometimes it means facing devastating things you thought you would never face. But it happens to all.

…

Everyone’s marriage becomes something they didn’t intend it to be. You are required to deal with things you didn’t plan to face. In every marriage sin complicates what would otherwise be simple. In every marriage the brokenness of the world makes things more complicated and difficult. In every marriage either giddy romance wanes and is replaced with a sturdier and more mature love, or the selfishness of sin reduces the marriage to a state of relational detente.

This is kind of where my marriage is. We’re not in the giddy “Oh yay! Jeff is home from work!” stage of life. We’re also not in a facing cancer/unemployment/betrayal stage of life either. (Pray that that stage never comes, but it might.)

But we’re transitioning into that “sturdier and more mature love” that Mr. Tripp writes about.  He writes about how to transition into that kind of love.

How it’s important to prove your trustworthiness daily…

How to deal with differences…

How to protect your marriage.

Most importantly, how to bring grace into your marriage.

It’s a great thing – giddy feelings do fade and that’s okay.  They were fun while they’re there and so new.  You want them to be replaced by stronger, sturdier stuff.

It’s a great book and I’d recommend it for anyone – single or married and no matter how long you’ve been married.

In other news, Happy Valentine’s Day!

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Book: Adopted for Life – Suffering

Last post about the book that I recommended on Monday.  (You have bought a copy, right?  Or reserved one from the library?  Go do so!  I’m for reals.)  It’s “Adopted for Life: The Priority of Adoption for Christian Families & Churches” by Russell D. Moore.

This time it was a story of when his two boys left the orphanage on their way back home.  He writes:

We nodded our thanks to the orphanage personnel and walked out into the sunlight, to the terror of the two boys.

They’d never seen the sun, and they’d never felt the wind. They had never heard the sound of a car door slamming or felt like they were being carried along a road at 100 miles an hour. I noticed that they were shaking and reaching back to the orphanage in the distance. …

I whispered to Sergei, now Timothy, “That place is a pit! If only you knew what’s waiting for you – a home with a mommy and a daddy who love you, grandparents and great-grandparents and cousins and playmates and McDonald’s Happy Meals!”

But all they knew was the orphanage. It was squalid, but they had no other reference point. It was home. (pg 43)

The trauma of leaving the orphanage was unexpected to me because I knew how much better these boys’ life would soon be. I thought they knew it too. But they had no idea. They couldn’t conceive of anything other than the status quo. My whispering to my boys, “You won’t miss that orphanage” is only a shadow of something I should have known already.  (pg 46)

To the boys, leaving that place felt like suffering.  A form of torture, maybe.  Panic.  Even though they had started to bond with their new parents, they were leaving the only home that they had known.  It wasn’t too long later, he writes, that they were settled at their new home with the Moores.  They got used to wind and cars and sun and not having to hide food.  Their old home couldn’t begin to compare to their new home. But they didn’t know that then.

Do I do that?  Am I in a place that feels like home, but really is suffering compared to something else?  I’m particularly thinking of my eating habits, as unhealthy and undisciplined as they are.  If I were to start eating better, it would feel like suffering to me.  I’d have to deny myself things that I dearly love today.

But if I ate healthier (the AFTER), I might realize that eating healthy isn’t suffering.  It was the BEFORE that was really suffering.  I just couldn’t know that until I tasted (ha!) the something better.  Just like his boys couldn’t have known that it was the BEFORE that was bad without knowing the AFTER.

Makes me think.

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Book: Adopted for Life – Where is My Identity?

Still talking about the book that I recommended on Monday.  (You have bought a copy, right?  Or reserved one from the library?  Go do so!)  It’s “Adopted for Life: The Priority of Adoption for Christian Families & Churches” by Russell D. Moore.

It’s practically a Christian buzz word or hot phrase these days to say “My identity is in Christ.  That’s what matters.  Nothing else.”  I’m sure I’ve said it myself.  But…confession time…I’ve never completely known what people mean by that, to be honest.

Do they mean that nothing else matters on earth?

Does it mean that no one should call them mom or dad or grandma or CEO or pastor because they don’t identify with that role?  Should Phinehas grow up calling me Christian Jayme, not Mom?  Should Jeff call me Christian Jayme, not ‘dear’?

Does it mean that they are confident in everything they do because they know that Jesus has their back?

Does it mean that it doesn’t matter what they do or what they say or what they don’t do or say?

What does it mean?!?

Mr. Moore talks about how the early Christians and Jews were in conflict over circumcision.  The Jews had the rite of circumcision as a way of saying “We are God’s people.”  If Gentiles could now be God’s people because of Jesus, didn’t they need to be circumcised too?  What was the thing that would identify them?  Without something, how would one ever know if they were in or out?

From the book:

The New Testament reminds … of our adoption so we’ll remember that we are here by the Spirit, not by the exertions of our flesh.  Because we’ve been brought into an already-existing family, we ought not to be proud, as though we were here by family entitlement (Rom. 11:11-25).  We’re here by grace.

But our adoption also shows us just how welcome we are here.  This is not, after all, the first time, God has adopted.  Too often we assume that the Gentiles are the “adopted” children of God, and the Jews are “natural-born” children.  But Paul says that Israel was adopted too (Rom. 9:4) … Israel was an abandoned baby, wallowing in its own blood on the roadside (Ezek. 16:5)

…Circumcision answers the question, “Are you part of the family?  Are the promises made to you?  Are you in the covenant?”  … It’s a lack of faith, a lack of repentance.  If they are clinging to their identity in Christ, being found in him, then everything else is rubbish.  Yes, we’re part of the family, but we don’t point to our own circumcised flesh to prove that; we point away from ourselves and to a circumcised, law-keeping, faithful, resurrected Messiah (Col. 2:11-13)

…We now come before God as sons bearing the very same Spirit as was poured out on the Lord Jesus at the Jordan River, a Spirit through which we cry “Abba!”

This means repentance.  We recognize and know that we never could have found ourselves in this family “through the flesh” — whether that striving was through biblical circumcision or through pagan orgies or through modern self-absorption.  Our identity is found in another – Jesus of Nazareth. (page 30-31)

So, it isn’t that nothing else matters at all.  Other things matter.  The roles that I have on this earth.  The people in my life.  It’s that nothing else is as defining as being a Christian.  It’s that nothing else determines my eternal destiny.  It’s that I don’t have to point to anything as proof of being a Christian.  Other stuff is nice (good deeds, baptism, evangelism, being a wife, being a mom), but it isn’t the definition of me.

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Book: Adopted for Life – Are They Brothers?

I have found a book that you MUST read.  You must, you must.  It’s “Adopted for Life: The Priority of Adoption for Christian Families & Churches” by Russell D. Moore.  Even if you’re not interested in adopting.  Even if you don’t know anyone who is adopting.  Even if you’re already excited about adoption (for you or in general).

The reason: the first 2-3 chapters of this book are life-changing. For me, at least.  The author lays out the theology of how Christians have been adopted by God and weaves his experience of adopting 2 boys from Russia into that.  It is exceptionally well written.  It is a beautiful story – both his story as a adopting dad and our story as believers.

Since they adopted 2 boys at the same time and near in age, he often got the question “Are they brothers?”  Biologically, they were not.  But that didn’t matter.  The moment the judge declared them members of the Moore family, they were.  They were Moore’s children and thus, now brothers.  He reflected on why getting that question bothered him so much:

From the book:

The “are they brothers?” question irritated me so much, the more I thought about it, because it was about more than my adoption process. It was about my pride and self-delusion. It reminded me of my own tendency to prize my carnality, a tendency the Scripture says leads right to the grave (Romans 8:13). None of us likes to think we were adopted. We assume we’re natural-born children, with a right to all of this grace, to all of this glory. (page 31)

As Christians, we have been adopted by God.  We often forget this.  We don’t want to think about it.  We want to think that we just naturally and always have been a member of His family.  But we haven’t.  We once weren’t His children.  There was once a moment that I wasn’t.  The next moment, I was.

Being reminded that I haven’t always been here, in His family, is the impetus that I need to once again, be awed by grace and favor that I have received.  I forget too easily that I once was a “Have Not”, but am now a “Have”.

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New author!

I’m always so excited when I find a new author that I really like. And I have!

Her name is Julie Klassen. She writes Christian fiction and she’s been compared to Jane Austen. Not that she necessarily writes like Jane Austen (but she does resemble her writing to a degree), but she writes about the same era and some of the same things.

There is romance in most of her books, but it’s more than that. There’s mystery and drama too. Romance isn’t always the central story. At least in the half dozen or so books of hers that I’ve read. I’ve read all the ones that the Omaha Library has.

I also like the way that she handles faith. Faith isn’t used in my-life-is-perfect-because-I-have-Jesus kind of way. Many of her main characters are Christians, but there isn’t pithy or superficial comments like “Just believe”. They deal with real issues and take real stands and deal with things well. Or they make mistakes. But when they do, they own up to them.

She’s just great — so if you’re looking for some new reads, there ya go!

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Keeping Marriage Primary

I theoretically love John Rosemond’s parenting philosophies. I say theoretically because I have a 6-month-old. Meaning that I’ve never had to put many of them into practice. I do think my mom thinks a lot like he does, so while I’ve never parented a child that way, I think I’ve been parented with a philosophy similar to his.

Recently, I’ve checked out one of his books (The New Parent Power) and he starts off pretty early in the book with the foundational concept that the marriage should be the primary and most important relationship in the family, not the one between parents and children. The quote:

Somewhere, back down the line, they misplaced the fact that the marriage is the most important commitment in their lives. Until they rediscover it, they will continue to become increasingly isolated in roles that do not complement one another and increasingly distant in terms of communication and intimacy.

…

In the last fifty years or so, we’ve done such a good job of training wives to be mothers and husbands to be breadwinners that by the time their children leave home, they’ve forgotten how to be partners.

By no means am I ignoring realities. Children must be attended to and money must be made. I’m simply saying that wives can and should remain wives first and foremost, even after they become mothers. Likewise, husbands can and should remain husbands first and foremost, regardless of the demands of their careers. Mother, father, breadwinner – these are all secondary roles. Husband and wife are the primary adult roles in the family. If all this is somewhat difficult to accept, it’s only because the cultural program to which I referred earlier is so demanding and insistent, so powerful and persuasive, that we succumb to it without thinking through the consequences.  (emphasis mine)

I think it is really easy for the role of mom to trump the role of wife. I can see how the role of breadwinner can trump the role of husband. Our culture does gear us that way. There is money that is needed. And kids do need time and attention and training. There are other things too. Houses, laundry, food, church, sports, all kinds of things. I just like the way that he puts it – we don’t need to succumb to the cultural program if we give it some thought.

No magic answers, just something to chew on.

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Book: Thou Shall Prosper

I listen to Dave Ramsey.  Pretty much every Monday – Friday, at least for a little bit. I’ve taken his Financial Peace University.  We’re debt free.  I just like his philosophy and the advice that he gives.

A few weeks back (or maybe longer than that), he had a Jewish rabbi on the show – Daniel Lapin.  They referenced his book “Thou Shall Prosper: Ten Commandments for Making Money”, which I have since checked out of the library and read. Utterly fascinating read.  Really.  I thought it would be a “Here’s what you do if you want to make money.  Get yourself a business plan.  Get some business cards…” kind of book.

But it wasn’t.  Not really.  It was mostly him writing about why making money isn’t bad like some would believe. It’s about why and how Jewish people have often been more wealthy than other groups of people.  He uses a lot of Scripture (which is the Old Testament for him) and tells how the Jewish tradition would teach those examples to their children, which happens to be principles that just naturally lead to more wealth.

Is he right about everything?  I don’t know.  But I learned mucho.  And had mucho reinforced. Things like:

• You’re always in business for yourself (even if you work at someone else’s company)
• Don’t forget that you owe your company an honest day’s work for the pay you’re given
• Business is not evil
• Making money, even lots of it, is not evil
• Its how you earn that money and what you do with it that matters
• The key to making money is knowing people and letting them know what you can do for them

Some excerpts that I really liked:

“Whenever a notable philanthropist makes a public gift, there is one phrase you can count on hearing.  It is “giving back to society” as in “Isn’t it wonderful that he is finally giving something back to society.”  Is referring to a charitable contribution as “giving back to society” implying that the for-profit activities that created that wealth in the first place are somehow “taking from society?”

…

“Bill Gates does quite a bit for the world even before making his very large charitable foundation bequests.  After all, creating thousands of jobs and supplying magical software that allows millions to do their work and to communicate seamlessly with one another are in themselves rather large contributions.  Theodore [someone who criticized that the wealthy don't give enough away] fails to question entertainment and sports figures who undeniably “have a great deal of wealth” yet are notoriously stingy in their charitable giving.  Apparently such criticism is reserved for people who earn their living through business.”

…

“Much must be right about the economic system in the United States because it allows Americans to take so much luxury for granted. … Have you heard folks say things like “Why not take a day off and spend it with family?” or “Nobody ever dies regretting not having spent enough time at work”?  Those are very pretty notions, but they can be said only by someone with no fear at all of having to put his children to bed that night, hungry and frightened.  In some countries at this time and particularly in earlier times, many parents have been tormented not by not spending enough time with their children, but by  not being able to prevent them from starving to death.”

And a quote from George Mason University economics professor:

“Take out a dollar bill and look at it.  Now pat yourself on your back because you are looking at a certificate of performance.  If you did not rob or steal from anyone to obtain that dollar, if you neither defrauded anyone nor persuaded your government to seize it from a fellow citizen and give it to you, then you could only have obtained that dollar in one other way – you must have pleased someone else.”

How cool that thought is!  We have money because we have pleased someone – a client, our boss, someone else.  They are pleased and show it through payment.

Great read!

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Book: The Baby Whisperer

Guess what!?  Another library check out!  (Told ya, I’m loving the library!)

I find it really hard to ‘recommend’ a book about baby care.  I can recommend books by saying “Yeah, I read that and learned ‘X’” or “I found ‘Y’ to be informative”, but I have a hard time recommending a baby care book in the way that says “You SHOULD read this!”

This might be the first.  Can’t say that I agree with everything she writes in the book (especially her overuse of the word ‘luv’!), but I like her general philosophy and advice.  Most of it is what we did with Phinehas and would totally do again with any subsequent children.

Her philosophy is EASY.  Meaning that you follow a routine with your child:

• Eat
• Awake
• Sleep
• Your Time (while baby is sleeping)

It isn’t a schedule per se.  She doesn’t recommend that you say “It’s 9:00 AM, so you must nap right now, even though you just woke up 20 minutes ago”.  It just means that if you follow this routine, babies will grow to know what to expect next and they naturally fall into that rhythm.  Helps baby.  Helps mom.  Helps the whole family.

Are there times that you have to deviate from the pattern? Sure.  I found that with Phinehas occasionally - particularly with feedings.  I’m convinced that he would go through growth spurts – a period where over 2-3 days, his feeding needs really ramped up and he would eat way more and more often than before.  It’d be 2-3 days of lots of eating, then back to normal.  Growth spurt!

Again, do I agree with everything?  Nope.  But I do agree with alot of it.  And this is a book that I’d recommend.

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Book: Baby-Led Weaning

Another library check out. I had heard rumors of this movement/philosophy/practice/whatever-you-wanna-call-it called Baby Led Weaning.  So I checked out the book.  Informative reading.

The basic concept is that weaning is the act of a baby going from  A (getting all nourishment from milk/formula) to B (getting all nourishment from real solid food).  There are probably many ways you can do this.  And lots of people have a different timeline that they’d like this to take; it doesn’t happen in one day.  Some people are okay breastfeeding (milk feeds) for years, while others see their babies completely on solids by year 1.  Every family gets to decide for themselves.

This book is about taking a baby from milk feeds (usually breastfeeding, but formula too) to solids — notably skipping the pureed/mushy food phase.  Instead of spoon-feeding what we think of as baby food to a baby, you don’t pass go, don’t collect $200 and go straight to (soft) solids, starting at about 6 months or when you think baby is ready.  At first, baby is just playing and learning with his food. He really isn’t getting much (if any) nourishment from it, but he’s learning how to put food into his mouth.  He’s learning how to swallow more solid food. He’s learning about textures and temperatures and tastes.

I won’t tell you all their methodologies or thoughts – read the book to find all that out. But it is interesting to me.

What will we do?  I don’t completely know.  At his 4-month check up, the pediatrician agreed that he wasn’t ready even for purees. Phinehas is 5 months old, but it’s really only been in the last couple of weeks that he’s been “into food”.  Before that, he could take or leave his bottle.  He got hungry, sure.  But he never really got excited about food, you know?  And he’s just starting to sit up well enough that I could put him in a high chair.  He still hasn’t figured out what Jeff and I are doing when we eat in front of him. So I got some time.  But I definitely like the idea.  We’ll play it by ear I guess.

It was a good book; I recommend it for no other reason than it will help you make an informed decision on eating.

If you want some more information on it, here are a couple of other’s experiences with it:

• From Simple Bites
• From Baby Center - the people who do Young House Love

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My New Love

My new love is an old love.  I have re-discovered the public library.  As a child and as a teen, I had a huge love for reading.  It was nothing for me to read several books a week.  Totally normal for me.  When the teacher would hand out those Scholastic book clubs, I’d spend tons of time deciding what I really wanted.  My Christmas and birthday lists always had books on them.  Garage sales as well as the school and public libraries had a big part in feeding my habit.

Then I got a real job and started buying books.  If there was something that I wanted to read, I’d just buy it.  I’d spend a good chunk of money on books.  I kind of stopped visiting the library.

I have rediscovered the library since we moved less than a mile away from one.  You can go there, you can browse shelves, you can check them out.  Know a book that you want?  You can go to their website, put books on hold, have them delivered from whatever branch they’re at and then go there and get them.  You get books for 3 weeks and you can even renew them online.  Need to return the book?  You still don’t need to go inside – you can drop them off in the drive-up box outside.  All for free!

The downside is that I find the public library overwhelming to just browse.  If you know what you want, it is easy to look it up and go get it from the shelves.  But if you just want to explore, it isn’t as good for that.  Mostly because when I’m exploring, I’m looking for fiction and that’s organized by authors.  When you don’t have a specific author in mind, you have rows and rows and shelves and shelves of books.

But there have been plenty of parenting and Christian autobiographies that I have been checking out lately.

I’m loving the library!

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