Continuing our “What Do Men Say?” series where Christian men share their advice to women, here’s part 4, which answers the question: “What are reasons you may have for not asking a specific woman out?”
And the men said…
(All of these are pretty much exact quotes. Spelling and small details have been changed to protect the generous men willing to answer. Emphasis has been added by me.)
Some immediate things that cause me to bail are:
- Smoking.
- Wedding rings.
- Snotty.
- High maintenance.
- Freakish tattoos or piercings.
- Freakishly short.
- Lack of physical attraction.
- Unemployed and has been for an extended period of time.
Some stuff you just don’t know until after you’ve been out a few times.
If she doesn’t have a strong faith or isn’t emotionally healthy. If she doesn’t dress well (for her figure and income) or doesn’t seem to care.
She seems closed or uninterested to me.
Not having a love for the Lord, a desire to try new things or not being physically attracted to her.
Thinking she is seeing someone else.
Thinking she just got out of a relationship, and not wanting to be the rebound guy.
Thinking she was not interested and was just a friend.
If I do not ask a specific woman out, I do not think she is a potential wife. If she is not a potential wife and I know that I am not the guy God has for her, I am going to save her the heartache of getting into a relationship if I know our relationship was not going to ultimately lead to marriage. Plus, dating without the end goal of marriage is a complete waste of time.
Not finding her physically attractive (must be at least average); if I’m not sure if she’s a Christian; if she’s a gossip or in some way untrustworthy; if I think she’s way out of my league, if she seems to be going out with someone else, is extremely talkative to the point where I’d go nuts.
Jayme’s reaction:
Seems like men are definitely looking for a woman who is available, who is mature, who they’re attracted to, and who could be a good long-term fit for them. Yay for men! These are great things to look for. The hard part (for them) is that some of these things can’t be determined without starting at least some level of relationship. And some of these things can change over time – the person you weren’t attracted to becomes more attractive to you over time.
Thanks to Facebook, it’s now a little easier for men to see how “available” a woman is than it was 20 years ago. Women and couples seem to either take one of two approaches:
- Become facebook official as soon as they go on their first date (or a woman could post about a date as soon as she’s been asked on one) -OR-
- Not say anything on facebook until they’re married.
Neither one is necessarily wrong. Neither one is necessarily right. Assuming he’s okay with you telling people you’re going on a first date. (I think some guys could be scared off by that!) Assuming he doesn’t take not announcing it on a facebook as a sign that you’re not interested. (I’d be a little wary of a husband/wife both on facebook that weren’t even facebook friends!)
For me? My husband wasn’t (and still isn’t) on Facebook. I didn’t say anything about our relationship on Facebook until months after we were dating. So there was a chance that other men could’ve asked me out in our beginning dating stages. I would just be polite and say no, that I was currently seeing someone, but that I was very flattered (and I was!)
So, if you’re not in a relationship: be clear about it! Make sure there isn’t any ambiguity in case a particular man is looking to ask you out.
What qualifies as freakishly short?:(
I think it’s relative! For one guy, who might be 6’8″, too short could be 5’8″. For another, 4’0″ might be too short. Even then, though, we’ve all seen plenty of really tall guys with really short girls walking around at the mall!
My friend, who is tall herself – 5’10″, I believe, used to get mad when she’d see taller guys with shorter girls. “She’s taking the tall ones! Save the tall men for the tall women!” She was joking. Kind of!
I agree. I think sometimes there’s a misconception that man have inflexible standards about beauty and that those standards are objective.
Men (or at least I) tend to be flexible within a fairly wide range of what we consider attractive. A woman can easily become more attractive by the way she carries herself, what she says, her attitudes, and the way she praises and admires others. A woman who has a positive attitude, strong character, and encourages others when she doesn’t know a guy is looking is probably going to be more pleasant in a relationship.
The standards aren’t objective from one man to another, either. I wrote something about it in a comment here:
http://noregretssingles.com/2011/08/04/not-another-motivational-speech/#comment-418