Continuing the “What Do Men Say?” series where Christian men share their advice to women, here’s part 3, which answers the question: “What kinds of things do you look for or consider when thinking about asking a woman out?”
And the men said…
(All of these are pretty much exact quotes. Spelling and small details have been changed to protect the generous men willing to answer. Emphasis has been added by me.)
Basic stuff – strong faith, emotionally healthy, and tries to look attractive (i.e. cleans up nicely, dresses well, diet, exercise, signs of effort showing readiness to form a long-term relationship)
Her love for the Lord and for others.
Her desire to have fun and try new things.
Physical attractiveness (to a relatively small degree).
Most guys dislike rejection as much as ladies do. That means that they are mostly confident that the woman will be saying yes before they ask them out.
I am not looking to date just to date. I am looking for my future wife. Is she a godly woman? Her faith should be so natural, it just comes out of her. Is she smart? Does she make smart financial decisions? What kind of mother would she make? Having kids is important to me and I need to be looking out for their interests too.
Is she “going out” with someone already? Do I have some sort of friendship with her to build on? Would it really screw things up if I dated once or twice and decided not to go further, to back out? What sort of character does she have? What sort of character do her close friends have? What sort of family does she have? Am I stable in life, and have the capacity for a dating relationship?
When going to a potluck/suppers 8 party/football party where there will be other single guys there, do not, I repeat do not stop at the grocery store and pick up some pre-made dessert/appetizer/food. We are watching what you bring and if your homemade dish is the most popular, that would definitely get my attention.
At my age I’m looking for a woman who doesn’t own a walker (yet). 
I’m looking for how she carries herself. How she talks with others. The words she uses or doesn’t use.
Is she reasonably consistent with how she is interacting with different people (girlfriends, bartender, busboy, etc.)? In my opinion, this goes towards character.
Does she smile? Does she laugh? Can she take a little ribbing? Can she give it back?
How does she talk about her parents? Siblings?
What kind of work does she do? (For the most part, I really don’t care unless she is a stripper or assassin, etc.)
What kind of “stuff” (car, cellphone, clothing, etc.) does she have? I’m trying to understand if she is living within her means. Is she 30 and her parents are still financing her lifestyle?
What does she do for fun? How does that line up with what I do for fun?
Does she own a house, rent a house, rent an apartment, live with her folks? Does she have roommates? This is a responsibility question. A woman who owns her own house is likely more responsible, mature, wise with her money, etc. than a woman who still lives with her folks.
How does she keep her:
- Car? (Understand – I don’t care about the car really.)
- Living quarters (house, apartment or room).
- Purse.
All of the above go towards cleanliness, organization and taking care of what you have.
If I can (and this is hard water to navigate real early), I want to see what she has to say about her ex-boyfriend / husband /etc. Is she carrying a lot of anger and hostility? Is she coming right out of a relationship and jumping into a new one?
I think clearly defined relationships are more productive than undefined ones. Whether dating or not, I enjoy some great friendships including good women. I’m learning things all the time and things that other people just seem to know, takes me a while to figure out. In the past I’ve been spooked by all sorts of things that could go wrong in a relationship or by things that happen to other guys, and lack confidence because so many have screwed so much up – how could I do any better? For a lot of my early life I had foregone dating in favor of building a firm foundation for life, putting off romance till later. I think I need to develop and mature more before getting involved in the opposite gender. Decisions like this aren’t directly related to dating habits, or advice to women, but do go into the decision to even try. I probably have a lot to unlearn.
Jayme’s reaction
Again, I’m glad I’m not a man! Which makes me even more grateful for the good men that are out there. Thank the good men around you!
It seems that some men pay attention to things I wouldn’t have ever thought of, but again, remember: each man is different! Many of the things mentioned are just good stewardship qualities – are you using the things (your time, your money, your talents, your education) wisely? How are you treating people – your friends, your family, your ex’s, your waitress? I’m glad men are looking at those things…I dislike seeing women be mean to others.
While I don’t want a woman’s kindness and wisdom to be driven by the hope of “maybe a guy will notice and ask me out” (that’s a false motivation), it is nice to know that people might notice and be encouraged by it!
Men out there, anything to add?
Some things I noticed about my girlfriend that drew me to her:
-positive attitude. The great smile was a big deal. Deeper than that, i noticed how she dealt with difficult situations with grace.
-Fun-loving. It was (and is) easy to have a great time with her. We got to know each other in a group setting and whatever we were doing, we had a blast.
-Honesty. When we finally (my bad) talked openly about our feelings, she was easy to talk to. She put me at ease and she was honest with me. I’d always dreaded DTRs (define the relationship) in the past with other people (again, my fault), but she put me at east about it, was open about her wants without laying out unreasonable expectations or pressures.